EC: This last week, it was my honor to choose which movies we would get to watch during our weekly Action Tuesday and Horror Thursday specials. Not being one to let a good opportunity pass me by, I figured this was the perfect time to answer one of life's age-old questions...
Which is harder to watch: A movie starring c-list WWE "superstar" The Miz, or graphic depictions of violent sexual rape and murder?
Let's dive right in with ACTION TUESDAY, shall we?
CHRISTMAS BOUNTY
DC: What can I say about Christmas Bounty that can’t be said about any other movie that attempts to make a name for itself on the shoulders of the preset popularity of a championship caliber professional wrestler? Well, I guess this one tried to makes it’s name off of the shoulders of a pro wrestler who was at one time a champion out of convenience. Ironically, Mike Mizanin was only even given a championship run in the WWE because of his previous popularity as a cast member of MTV’s The Real World. So this movie was trying to make a name for itself on the shoulders of someone’s current name recognition which was only gained on the shoulders of his former name recognition. Basically, the whole thing was a cluster-fuck of an idea. And it showed in the movie.
Like damn near every other movie that made its name off of a professional wrestler, Christmas Bounty is poorly acted, poorly laid out, poorly shot, and poorly edited. Despite all of this, the movie scraped and worked its ass off to make it to a feature length. If you regularly read this blog (and chances are that you don’t) then you know that a prime amount of my own personal enjoyment comes from watching and criticizing awful movies. A primary part of that enjoyment comes from the movie being watchable. Rarely does a movie fail to hold my attention, christ, I watched the entirety of Pocket Ninjas, and that is arguably the worst movie ever made. Well Christmas bounty was so boring that it lost my attention before The Miz even made his first appearance. I was still watching, mind you, but really only in a cursory manner. I saw enough to get a passing knowledge of just how awful Miz is at acting and just how dumb and forced the story was. I would like to go into detail on these things, but by the time the movie ended, I was more enraged at it’s length. The film had little substance. It was dumb and lost my attention and lost my attention mere minutes into its runtime, but the actual runtime itself is very telling of the thinking behind this movie. At a whopping 73 minutes, this movie BARELY qualifies as a feature. This is almost definitive proof that this movie was slapped together with the prospect of a cash in making dollar signs appear in the producers eyes. But what’s that you say? This film was produced by the WWE’s film division?? And just before it’s release The Miz was given the gimmick of the cocky hollywood douchebag?? So you are implying that the WWE slapped together a film with the sole reasoning to be to legitimize a barely believable wrestling angle?? Ooooooooh! That makes a lot of sense!
EC: I really disliked this movie. I mean, I knew it was going to be dumb heading into it, but holy hell. Christmas Bounty is the story of cute-as-a-damn-button Francia Raisa (Nickname: Tornado) trying to leave her old, action-filled bounty hunter life behind and start life anew as a sweet kindergarten teacher. She does this by immediately mistakenly accusing a man of kidnapping his own son after leaping onto the hood of his vehicle like some crazed beast of legend.
Which is harder to watch: A movie starring c-list WWE "superstar" The Miz, or graphic depictions of violent sexual rape and murder?
Let's dive right in with ACTION TUESDAY, shall we?
CHRISTMAS BOUNTY
DC: What can I say about Christmas Bounty that can’t be said about any other movie that attempts to make a name for itself on the shoulders of the preset popularity of a championship caliber professional wrestler? Well, I guess this one tried to makes it’s name off of the shoulders of a pro wrestler who was at one time a champion out of convenience. Ironically, Mike Mizanin was only even given a championship run in the WWE because of his previous popularity as a cast member of MTV’s The Real World. So this movie was trying to make a name for itself on the shoulders of someone’s current name recognition which was only gained on the shoulders of his former name recognition. Basically, the whole thing was a cluster-fuck of an idea. And it showed in the movie.
Like damn near every other movie that made its name off of a professional wrestler, Christmas Bounty is poorly acted, poorly laid out, poorly shot, and poorly edited. Despite all of this, the movie scraped and worked its ass off to make it to a feature length. If you regularly read this blog (and chances are that you don’t) then you know that a prime amount of my own personal enjoyment comes from watching and criticizing awful movies. A primary part of that enjoyment comes from the movie being watchable. Rarely does a movie fail to hold my attention, christ, I watched the entirety of Pocket Ninjas, and that is arguably the worst movie ever made. Well Christmas bounty was so boring that it lost my attention before The Miz even made his first appearance. I was still watching, mind you, but really only in a cursory manner. I saw enough to get a passing knowledge of just how awful Miz is at acting and just how dumb and forced the story was. I would like to go into detail on these things, but by the time the movie ended, I was more enraged at it’s length. The film had little substance. It was dumb and lost my attention and lost my attention mere minutes into its runtime, but the actual runtime itself is very telling of the thinking behind this movie. At a whopping 73 minutes, this movie BARELY qualifies as a feature. This is almost definitive proof that this movie was slapped together with the prospect of a cash in making dollar signs appear in the producers eyes. But what’s that you say? This film was produced by the WWE’s film division?? And just before it’s release The Miz was given the gimmick of the cocky hollywood douchebag?? So you are implying that the WWE slapped together a film with the sole reasoning to be to legitimize a barely believable wrestling angle?? Ooooooooh! That makes a lot of sense!
EC: I really disliked this movie. I mean, I knew it was going to be dumb heading into it, but holy hell. Christmas Bounty is the story of cute-as-a-damn-button Francia Raisa (Nickname: Tornado) trying to leave her old, action-filled bounty hunter life behind and start life anew as a sweet kindergarten teacher. She does this by immediately mistakenly accusing a man of kidnapping his own son after leaping onto the hood of his vehicle like some crazed beast of legend.
So, for whatever reason, she doesn't want her current boyfriend to know about the "family business" (that business being Bounty Hunting, not Car Surfing), but some old bounty got released from prison and now wants to kill Tornado. Forced to return home, she is met by her parents...
Let me stop right there.
It is at this point in time that the movie tries to force the notion upon us that Cute-as-a-damn-button Tornado is the child of Nattie Neidhart on an ice cream bender (third from left) and a gay, latino porn star (far left).
No, movie. I say NO!
Back to the plot. Tornado's current boyfriend shows up out of the blue to ask the Gay Porn Star Father for his daughter's hand in marriage, much to the *emotion indecipherable* of The Miz, who turns out to be Tornado's old beau!!! ZOINKS! To make matters WORSE for the Miz, this guy is just the BEST! He is understanding, adventurous, caring and respectful! The only thing he ISN'T is a Bounty Hunter.
This becomes a "zany" love triangle, now. With this kind of set-up, you'd expect for one of the two guys to be a total asshole, making you root for the woman to choose a better life for herself, which keeps you on the edge of your seat hoping for her to make the right choice.
Let me stop right there.
It is at this point in time that the movie tries to force the notion upon us that Cute-as-a-damn-button Tornado is the child of Nattie Neidhart on an ice cream bender (third from left) and a gay, latino porn star (far left).
No, movie. I say NO!
Back to the plot. Tornado's current boyfriend shows up out of the blue to ask the Gay Porn Star Father for his daughter's hand in marriage, much to the *emotion indecipherable* of The Miz, who turns out to be Tornado's old beau!!! ZOINKS! To make matters WORSE for the Miz, this guy is just the BEST! He is understanding, adventurous, caring and respectful! The only thing he ISN'T is a Bounty Hunter.
This becomes a "zany" love triangle, now. With this kind of set-up, you'd expect for one of the two guys to be a total asshole, making you root for the woman to choose a better life for herself, which keeps you on the edge of your seat hoping for her to make the right choice.
Let's see:
Total Asshole Male The Miz: CHECK
Super Nice Guy: CHECK
Female Character Looking to Lead a Better Life: CHECK
So, you can obviously tell who she chooses right before the credits roll, right?
She chooses The Miz.
She does this because this is a WWE produced movie, and realistic female character decisions simply do not exist in their realm.
Total Asshole Male The Miz: CHECK
Super Nice Guy: CHECK
Female Character Looking to Lead a Better Life: CHECK
So, you can obviously tell who she chooses right before the credits roll, right?
She chooses The Miz.
She does this because this is a WWE produced movie, and realistic female character decisions simply do not exist in their realm.
I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE 2
DC: I hate to make this comparison, because this movie should absolutely stand on its own, but compared to Christmas Bounty, I Spit on your Grave 2 was an absolute masterpiece. Without the comparison, it was a good movie that I would definitely recommend. And that is a recommendation based on half of the movie. Thats right folks, I only saw the first half of the movie. I fell asleep. I slipped off into a state of slumber that I simply couldn’t be pulled out of by conventional means. I fell asleep while the movie still had a good 45 minutes left and I STILL got more bang for my buck than what Christmas Bounty gave me. I Spit on your Grave 2‘s 73 minute mark came right smack dab in the middle of a scene where Katie, our heroine, met a priest and was trying to come to terms with the revenge she was about to lay out. Christmas Bounty’s 73 minute mark came right smack dab at the end of the credits, which had been rolling for several minutes at least.
Let’s go back to the fact that I had fallen asleep during this movie. I did NOT fall asleep out of boredom or any sort of indifference in regards to the movie. Just prior to watching the movie, my esteemed partner Erik and I performed our world famous live-tweet session of the WWE’s weekly Monday Night Raw show, and this week had proven to be especially bad. This being the case, I found myself to be extremely tired. Believe it or not, trudging through the banal minutia that the WWE puts forth on a weekly basis takes a ton out of you, especially when the thought of having to watch drives you to drink copious amounts of alcohol in order to make it through the three hours of nonsense whose 20 minutes of substance is far from worth it. So basically, the WWE is to blame for my falling asleep, not this movie. Oddly enough, I fell asleep during a good movie that I would recommend yet I stayed completely conscious during what I consider to be one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Thanks Miz.
DC: I hate to make this comparison, because this movie should absolutely stand on its own, but compared to Christmas Bounty, I Spit on your Grave 2 was an absolute masterpiece. Without the comparison, it was a good movie that I would definitely recommend. And that is a recommendation based on half of the movie. Thats right folks, I only saw the first half of the movie. I fell asleep. I slipped off into a state of slumber that I simply couldn’t be pulled out of by conventional means. I fell asleep while the movie still had a good 45 minutes left and I STILL got more bang for my buck than what Christmas Bounty gave me. I Spit on your Grave 2‘s 73 minute mark came right smack dab in the middle of a scene where Katie, our heroine, met a priest and was trying to come to terms with the revenge she was about to lay out. Christmas Bounty’s 73 minute mark came right smack dab at the end of the credits, which had been rolling for several minutes at least.
Let’s go back to the fact that I had fallen asleep during this movie. I did NOT fall asleep out of boredom or any sort of indifference in regards to the movie. Just prior to watching the movie, my esteemed partner Erik and I performed our world famous live-tweet session of the WWE’s weekly Monday Night Raw show, and this week had proven to be especially bad. This being the case, I found myself to be extremely tired. Believe it or not, trudging through the banal minutia that the WWE puts forth on a weekly basis takes a ton out of you, especially when the thought of having to watch drives you to drink copious amounts of alcohol in order to make it through the three hours of nonsense whose 20 minutes of substance is far from worth it. So basically, the WWE is to blame for my falling asleep, not this movie. Oddly enough, I fell asleep during a good movie that I would recommend yet I stayed completely conscious during what I consider to be one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Thanks Miz.
EC: Ahh... A review of the sequel to the remake of the 70's revenge classic. I'd say that's a mouthful, but with all the depictions of rape I just watched, I'd really rather not. As you may have noticed, we held Horror Thursday on a Monday this week, thanks to the holidays. Deal with it.
I Spit On Your Grave 2 (or ISOYG2 as I will never refer to it as) is without question one of the best movies of its kind. I am definitely a fan of the original I Spit On Your Grave, and when I watched the remake a few years ago, it was a total let down. Needless to say, upon hearing that a sequel was greenlit, I facepalmed. I immediately stated that I would avoid that film like the plague...
Then DC created Action Tuesday and Horror Thursday, and I knew what we eventually had to watch.
I Spit On Your Grave 2 (or ISOYG2 as I will never refer to it as) is without question one of the best movies of its kind. I am definitely a fan of the original I Spit On Your Grave, and when I watched the remake a few years ago, it was a total let down. Needless to say, upon hearing that a sequel was greenlit, I facepalmed. I immediately stated that I would avoid that film like the plague...
Then DC created Action Tuesday and Horror Thursday, and I knew what we eventually had to watch.
I'll cut right to the chase. This movie is shot extremely well, the script is solid, and the performances are mostly flawless.
I honestly can't believe I am watching a sequel to a reboot. My mind is blown. #ISpitOnYourGrave2 #HorrorThursday -EC
— Quantum Flux (@QuantumFlux1) December 2, 2014
Before I go any further, I need to address something: One of the main antagonists in the film looks to be a strange genetic cross between Joel McHale, Ewan McGregor and Dominic Monaghan, and it is something you need to see to believe.
As far as story goes, it is practically the same as all the other entries into the series. Female gets raped, survives, then goes on a revenge rampage, credits. However, it is the fantastic acting by Jemma Dallender that makes you feel every single moment our protagonist feels, for better or worse.
If this isn't normally the type of movie you can stomach, try.
If only for one reason.
Jemma Dallender.
She is my new favorite actress.
If this isn't normally the type of movie you can stomach, try.
If only for one reason.
Jemma Dallender.
She is my new favorite actress.
EC: So, after all of that, what's officially harder to watch? I'm going to have to say ANYTHING with The Miz in it is far more mentally scarring than anything a rape revenge film can ever hope to throw at you. Damn you, Miz. God DAMN you to hell, you freak-faced fuck!
DC's Scores:
CHRISTMAS BOUNTY: 1/10
I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE 2: 7/10
EC's Scores:
CHRISTMAS BOUNTY: 1/10
I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE 2: 9/10
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK FOR ACTION TUESDAY AND HORROR THURSDAY!
DC's Scores:
CHRISTMAS BOUNTY: 1/10
I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE 2: 7/10
EC's Scores:
CHRISTMAS BOUNTY: 1/10
I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE 2: 9/10
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK FOR ACTION TUESDAY AND HORROR THURSDAY!